Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
