I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
