Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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