Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
