when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
