even my farts smell like vagina
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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