I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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