Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
