My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
