I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
