i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
