the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize