i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
