Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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