R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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