I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
