dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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