I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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