no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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