my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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