Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
