He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
