Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
