4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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