My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
this is an emotional support booty call
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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