theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
