My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
