I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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