i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
