Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
