Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
