Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
