Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
