dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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