The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
