life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
