Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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