I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
