tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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