living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
