Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
