Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
