So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
