so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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