And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
