Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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