Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
