i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
