OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
