Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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