here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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