I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
