Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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