Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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