why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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