oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
